There are some things in life, that you can’t explain. You can’t explain why they happen. Why they happen to you and not to others or at times why they happen to others and not to you?
That’s called life.
I have been married for five years and seven days today. We don’t have children.
To anyone it might seem like no big deal, some even phase out as this length of time in their ‘planning to have fun before a baby’ time.
It is, however, a big deal to us. Because our lives have been a series of emotionally paralysing events and phases. One after the next.
I yearn for a catharsis. When will it come if what we desire doesn’t come? So this pain would go away…
Because I cannot seem to deal with any more of it. No matter how hard I try. How much more do I rip my heart open to be more accepting of others joys when I am lacking any in my own life?
All I want is this pain to end. To come to a stop.
So I can breathe. So I don’t have to be apologetic for something I cannot have from God. So I can learn to accept myself and others for what each one has.
I know there is no one reading this. Which is probably why I am letting my sorrows out here.
I am surrounded by people I love everywhere, and people who love me too. But this pain is only for me to share with my husband. It is only him who can understand what I got through because it is a pain that we carry heavy on our shoulders night and day.
However, his is greater. He lost his mother days after our wedding and he has been lonely ever since. Today is the day we found out that his stepmother is expecting a child.
I cannot fathom just what he must be going through right now.
Undoubtedly God works in mysterious ways. I never question it. I only pray for His Mercy and Forgiveness. I pray that He never forsakes us.
There is something good in this that I cannot understand right now. But I ask for that dawning to come on us, so we can let go of this pain. I want this sadness, this deep sadness to leave us forever.
I am exhausted of carrying this sorrow with me.
When will it ever go?