Why did we ever grow up?

Why did we ever grow up. 

Why? Just why?

To slow down the swing from its full zenith. As it comes to a gentle halt. So devoid of any joy. To stop to Nothing worth holding on. 

Why did I ever get off? I should have held on to it longer, tighter. I should have swung higher than ever before and then higher than even that.

I should have jumped off right then. So I could not have felt the drudgery of leaving the swing behind in the playground. 

Why did we ever grow up? 

To think of mud as something filthy and dirty rather than see it as a world of possibilities; amazing things that it could be when we ploughed it with our tiny, nimble hands. Mud pies, melting castles or just something to squish around. 

It would somehow find its way to our clothes and hair and faces and those joyous smiles peeking from underneath that grit and grime would be reflected in our mother’s when we would come back home with stories of our labours.

Why did we ever grow up. Why?

To not see your dear grandfather’s loving smile again. His booming laugh. His soft, wrinkled hands. To not smell his clothes that always reminded of powdered babies’ heads. To not be loved so unconditionally by anyone ever again.

Why. Did we ever grow up.

To wait for an unending hollow of merely existing. To yearn for a moment’s relief. A moment’s unhindered rest. The carelessness lost beyond imagination; of nothing to worry about in the world. 

To look back on those golden days. And weep at them slipping through your fingers. Those days when all you ever wanted, was to grow up.


Deactivated Facebook

I just deactivated Facebook last night. Too much hate going on. Too much hurtful shit. 
What’s more is that I was also a big part of it. I need to cleanse myself. Hopefully it is going to stick this time.

However I am suffering from withdrawal symptoms right now. I am checking my phone every few minutes and my thumb is swapping again and again where the Facebook icon or widget used to be. 

It’s really annoying. I hope I get out of it soon.

The pros of taking this step are that I am able to work on more important things that I was just procrastinating with. 

Like I am able to think of what to write as well. I am able to read more and study more. Work on my home more.

Well let’s see how long I can put up without it.


There are some things in life, that you can’t explain. You can’t explain why they happen. Why they happen to you and not to others or at times why they happen to others and not to you?

That’s called life.

I have been married for five years and seven days today. We don’t have children. 

To anyone it might seem like no big deal, some even phase out as this length of time in their ‘planning to have fun before a baby’ time.

It is, however, a big deal to us. Because our lives have been a series of emotionally paralysing events and phases. One after the next.

I yearn for a catharsis. When will it come if what we desire doesn’t come? So this pain would go away…

Because I cannot seem to deal with any more of it. No matter how hard I try. How much more do I rip my heart open to be more accepting of others joys when I am lacking any in my own life?

All I want is this pain to end. To come to a stop. 

So I can breathe. So I don’t have to be apologetic for something I cannot have from God. So I can learn to accept myself and others for what each one has.

I know there is no one reading this. Which is probably why I am letting my sorrows out here. 

I am surrounded by people I love everywhere, and people who love me too. But this pain is only for me to share with my husband. It is only him who can understand what I got through because it is a pain that we carry heavy on our shoulders night and day. 

However, his is greater. He lost his mother days after our wedding and he has been lonely ever since. Today is the day we found out that his stepmother is expecting a child.

I cannot fathom just what he must be going through right now.

Undoubtedly God works in mysterious ways. I never question it. I only pray for His Mercy and Forgiveness. I pray that He never forsakes us.

There is something good in this that I cannot understand right now. But I ask for that dawning to come on us, so we can let go of this pain. I want this sadness, this deep sadness, to leave us forever. 

I am exhausted of carrying this sorrow with me. 

When will it ever go?